It’s Sunday morning and my husband is at church, I’ve already asked God again for his forgiveness in my not attending. I love our church, I’ve grown so much there but I love my quiet Sunday mornings at home and today especially (I’ve been struggling) I really wanted to sit down to the proverbial pen before doing anything else, well except getting that cup of coffee. If I’d turned on the TV or picked up my iPhone, I knew all would have been lost.
There’s so much going through my mind these days. Last night I had trouble sleeping even after my sleeping meds so I lay in the shower with the warm comforting water streaming over me and the moist steam floating captured in the glass stall. I was kind of hopeful that the steam might help my poor sinuses that have been fighting the harshness of the air these days. I could close my eyes and talk to God and feel the water. At times it bounced off my skin in happy little mites of hope and at others as I sat up, the water would stream down my arm, toward my wrist and off my hand and the swirl of it there reminded me of what it must feel like to watch and feel your life’s blood streaming from your body. I can be very melodramatic and both joyously engaged with life and my Lord and equally distant, isolated and lonely but in those moments, good or bad – I’m feeling and I do love feeling.
But much like the movie, “Somewhere in Time” where Christopher Reeve’s character is able to let go and exist in a past so that he can be with the women he’d learned to love through time, when something from the “now” slips in to the world he’s satiated with, he is catapulted from his bliss and love filled world back to his lonely existence in the here and now. That was a lengthy comparison, but that’s how I feel so often, that I can feel, I can put myself there, sometimes alone, sometimes with God as my compradre’ but all it takes is one uninvited picture or sound of the here and now and it all dissipates like the steam in the shower when the door is finally open. This happened last night when after spending some quality time with those feelings, I looked up to see the clutter of shampoo bottles over my head and suddenly with that every inch, aspect, feeling, belief, thought, past, present and future decimated my gracious, intimate world with myself and God and I was back, back to “oh, I should get out, I need to dry my hair, start the dishwasher, turn off lights and get to bed” and it was all gone.
In writing this I’m somewhat attempting, well in writing anything, I’m somewhat attempting to capture those moments, because I think they are my God moments, the ones that even though they may not have monetary value, they have spiritual value beyond comprehension and to make them valuable to God (and to me) it seems maybe necessary to share them, hence the creating of this blog.
For I think in my personal “church” my goal, my desire, my dream and determination is that not one soul should ever have to feel so dark and alone (like Robin Williams who still breaks my heart as I understand his opposing dimensions), that there are those of us who feel so deeply that need someone who needs or at least understands how vastly important that is to life, so if anything I share here allows someone else to feel less alone and to feel more understood, than these moments that God gives me are worth everything to me.
Blessings to you my cyber friend…